What does the ghost in my room think?
I wonder if there’s a ghost in my room that has witnessed my vulnerable moments. Every time I get anxious, cry, dance like a maniac, light candles in the pretense of meditation, clean my room obsessively in a sudden burst of energy, lie down like a log for 11 hours straight watching youtube videos, or even when I laugh out loud while watching Big Mouth.
Does it judge me or feel bad for me? Does the ghost know that the worldly problems of human beings are so small in comparison to the giant scheme of things? Does it want to tell me that it’ll be okay?
Some context- When I was a child, I was convinced that my house was haunted. I would always think that someone is always looking at me. Now I’m not even sure if I believe in ghosts anymore.
I moved back home in June after suffering for 3 months alone in Mumbai. Vulnerable, unsure of my career and relationships, anxious and doubting myself every single minute, I wonder what if someone had witnessed all of that, will they still have the same opinion of me or will they want out? This is the main reason I don’t like telling people what I’m going through, the sheer reaction. What if I freak them out or worse, what if they don’t care and I get left feeling like I overshared and they probably don’t care?
I do acknowledge my privilege of having a stable job, friends I can depend on and a family that deeply cares for me. People have been through way worse in the pandemic(not to compare trauma)
Let’s name the ghost, how about Koo? I don’t know why but let’s just go with it. What would Koo advise me after witnessing my soul-crushing panic attacks? I like to think that it would tell me that I’m only 23 and it’s fine, I don’t need to put so much pressure on myself. Also, dreams change, priorities change, bucket lists change almost every year. Putting so much pressure on myself just because I didn’t accomplish my dreams when I was an irrational teenager is, well, irrational.
Maybe Koo would want me to be happy and keep dreaming, maybe Koo would ask me to write more, learn how to celebrate small victories and maybe have realistic small term goals for once.
Or maybe Koo doesn’t care or you know, exist.